I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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