There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
