i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
