Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
