they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
