Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
