Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
