coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
