she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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