I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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