to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
