I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
