11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
