that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
