i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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