You're my little dorito
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
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