atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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