I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
