What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
