genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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