Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
