remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
