I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
