How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
