forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
