I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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