The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
