I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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