Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
