dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
