my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You're like the curious george of whores
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
