in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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