Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
