Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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