So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
