The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
