come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
