That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
