remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
