census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
