I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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