she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
