How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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