We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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