I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
