I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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