I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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