I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
