dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Randomize
