I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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