Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
