3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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