Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
