By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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