Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
