if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Banned from zoo.
Again?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
