I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
